A Grim Fairy Tale
by Ionnes
Summary: Story of various fairy tale and mythological characters coming into conflict with an malevolent dark force    An 'old shame' found on a hard drive. Was written for a writing club, and inspired by the trailer for the *first* Shrek film  Yes, it's THAT old!
1. Chapter 1

**Part, A Prelude**

There is a land across the rainbow where thoughts take on solid form, where the intangible energies that amass in the imagination take on sustenance, and where all that would transpire in the mind becomes real.

Yet as imagination can lead to the realization of our deepest dreams, it can also twist the subtle processes that make up our mind, drawing upon the phantasms that exist in the recesses and twist them into a fantastical nightmare.

For centuries the Palace of Dreams has kept the border between the two stable, balancing Light and Dark, ensuring that anxiety and terror were locked away, harmonizing the land and maintained equilibrium between the Seen and Unseen.

Yet the Palace of Dreams often comes under attack from those Outside the realms of what is pure and decent. Many times have I witnessed attempts forged by the Forces of Nightmare to subvert our castle and rule this kingdom. "Who am I?", you ask. I am Mother Goose, curator of tales, and now I shall begin this one upon a late Autumn day in a council of war…

"Are the puppets ready to counterattack from all fortified positions?" Queen Mab asked, addressing the entire room. We looked down at the map of war, laid over the dinning table and plastered with notes and models, showing the land in it's entirety. From the blistering cold of the North wastes to the windswept deserts of the West, to the woodland and plateaus of the East, down until the vast tundra of the South, it seemed as though everywhere we were outnumbered, it seemed as though our worst fears had been confirmed, and it was those fears that ironically were currently encircled us, enveloping the land in a sea of darkness. Our counter-measures had been spread too thin, we had underestimated our foe, and it was to be to our undoing.

"Ma'am, all troops are converging on enemy positions but it doesn't look good," one of her elfin councilors advised, "I believe we may be looking a devastating overall loses." A murmur rippled through the room.

King Cole, usually bright and full of energy seemed haggard and pale, he stood up from the table and strode towards his throne. When he spoke, he did so slowly and softly as though weighing the value of each word he said.

"Then we must do the only thing we can," he said, "We must raise the bridge and prepare for the siege. The people outside shall be brought unto the sanctuary " Another murmur, this time of approval.

"Darlings! Indeed the king's advice is as sound as ever," a silvery voice rang through the room.

"Thank you most kindly. As my most faithful aide your advice is most appreciated Winona"

"Oh please! Call me Winnie!"

I spun upon my heal. Winnie…- Winona was the King's Fairy Godmother, as currently she stood upon the balcony which over looks the throne room. She was tall, thin, and glamorous dressed in all the latest finery from all the most expensive shops. After all, what was the point of being a powerful benevolent fairy if you didn't have _style? _I would sincerely love to emulate some of the class that she emanated, but unfortunately, I cannot upon a librarian's salary. Her horn-rimmed glasses perched upon her nose and she peered over them surveying the room. She fluttered her gossamer wings and floated gracefully down to meet us. She adjusted her skirt and smiled broadly at us.

"Your highness. I would like to talk to you privately" she beamed, ushering the king into a private chamber. I watched them go, and then left to watch the evacuation of the civilians.

The prominent crystalline structure of the castle spirals into the sky, the sun glittered off its shell illuminating the land below. The castle itself rested upon a floating plateau of land -as deep as it was wide- it's roots bare inches from the lake crater, suspended by magic, yet anchored to the ground. The sprawling metropolis surrounded it, filled with hundreds of citizens each with their own lives, now all being ushered into the castle over the golden bridge. Watching from the sidelines, I could see familiar faces here and there: the widow Mrs. Hubbard, currently on income support, carrying her pitbull terrier under arm, Mister Sprat lead his pasty-faced wife through the archway. Closing in on us from all directions was the black wall of a thunderstorm. The sky trembled before it.

"WATCH OUT BELOOOOOOOOW!" A voice bellowed, and looking up, I was just in time to see a massive lump fall out of the sky hitting me in the stomach. I quacked my displeasure. I stood up and surveyed the scene. A tiny little reindeer had fallen from the sky and upon it a rabbit, carrying within its pouch a letter. Upon its chest was a bright green medal.

"Miss Goose, sir" the rabbit said, snapping instantly to his feet and attention.

"Ah…the Easter Bunny," I replied, "This way. The King will be most interested to hear your report"

"Terrible. Simply Terrible." the Easter Bunny began, "Toytown was overcome so quickly. They've taken most of the western lands, a few villages, and there's worse." At this, the reindeer bowed its head, and the light upon the end of its nose flickered.

"Go on." the Fairy Godmother said

"I'm afraid the North Pole has been completely obliterated. Rudolph managed to get out just in time. The workshops, everything. Gone."

The silence resounded around the chamber several times. Queen Mab looked at King Cole, her face white with fear. Winona pursed her lips.

"Your highness," I began, "I think we all know what we must do. We must put into effect the plan which we have often spoken of."

"Preposterous!" Winona injected, "We should not send it away from the castle. The Key should remain here. It is safer here-"

"But," I raised my voice to drown out hers, "I do not believe we should beat about the bush: we all know what is coming. When it gets here, it will take the castle. We can hold them off for days, weeks, or even months, but not forever. If we follow the plan, then it will preserve the sanctity of our land for longer."

"But not for much longer!" Winona objected, she turned to address the king directly, "Your highness, you know me to be loyal to you, Let me take the key! I alone have the power to keep it safe. We cannot send something as valuable as the Key into the wilderness. It will be found and used against us."

"I was hoping you might help there. I can provide transportation. Use your magic to transmogrify the Key. We can keep it hidden, far far away."

She glowered at me. I stood my ground unfazed. We both turned to face the King. He sighed deeply.

"I am afraid desperate times call for desperate measures," he announced. The Elves clapped and cheered. I nodded and stuck my fingers between my lips and whistled. High above the slow "fwap, fwap" of wings resonated around the chamber and spiralled downwards towards us, and ridding upon its crest was the bird I had summoned. The stork saluted me. Everyone's eyes where now on Winona. She sighed.

"Very well. If those are the king's wishes" She produced her sparkly magic wand from her belt and flourished it magnificently. There was a flash and a bang and she was gone, leaving behind the distinct odour of _Chanel no5. _

"Now, the question remains. Where do we send it?" Queen Mab asked. The Elves echoed her words. I myself walked over to examine the war map laid out on the table. So many dark areas, areas fallen to the enemy. Yet one spot remained. We could send the stork into the sunset, and hope - or pray- for the best.

Another flash and a bang and the Fairy Godmother reappeared. She carried in her arms a golden egg adorned with purple spots.

I took it from her and wrapped it up in a red-polka napkin. I placed it in the stork's beak.

"I should go," Winona, announced, "Someone should watch the guys and girls. Make them more comfortable. You know." With another flourish, she was gone.

"Take care," I whispered to the stork, "Take this as far away from the dark as possible."

He nodded, and flapping its wings began to ascend into the hall. The Elves applauded. The stork powered its wings and flew out of the hall into the skies. We followed to watch the safety of Everything fade into the sunset until it was one small dot upon a vast horizon. And all around the storm was gathering.

_[Here endeth the first part of the notes made by Mother Goose]_

The silver ring glinted in the lightning flash. Someone else was watching the small dot vanish. She flicked her golden hair behind her ears and summoned her servants. Like monkeys, they wiggled their tails, and flapped their wings. They gnashed their teeth wickedly.

"Listen boys. I need that key back. You will get it back for me, won't you boys?" She grabbed one and pulled it close. So close the rouge-red lipstick was almost touching it, it could smell the minty-freshness of her breath. "You got that?"

She straightened up, and flexed her fingers together thoughtfully.

"At the risk of sounding cliché," she said thoughtfully, "Fly my pretties, FLY!"

The winged-monkeys looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. They flapped their wings, and speed out into the heavens.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part, the First**

The stork had been flying for several hours by the time is was assailed by the flying monkeys. They were very polite about it too.

"Haw haw haw haw!" Monkey One chattered by way of a greeting

"Squawk" replied the Stork.

"Hew hew hew!" Monkey Two announced to the stork

"Squawk!" objected the stork.

"Haw hew haw hew haw" insisted the monkeys, and then Monkey One tried to take the little parcel out the stork's mouth.

"Squawk! Squawk squawk squawk squawk! Squawk squawk squawk squawk, Squawk squawk squawk-squawk" the stork said through clenched bill, listing all the reasons why it would not allow the monkey's to take the egg to their master, or use it to make an full English breakfast.

Monkey One turned to Monkey Two and scratched his head. They had tried reasoning with the damn bird, now they were all out of ideas. Unless…

Monkey Two flew behind the stork and plucked one of its tail feathers. Shocked the stork opened it's mouth and screeched. It turned around and pecked Monkey Two, who monkey-slapped the bird.

It took the stork several moments to remember that actually it was supposed to be carrying something in it's mouth, and panicking looked down. The small polka dot parcel fell downwards towards a small copse and neighboring marsh.

Monkey Two turned to Monkey One and shouted "HEW HEW HEW!" Something which could only have meant, "You were supposed to catch it, idiot!"

Prince Charming wiped his fine blondish hair out of his face and raised his sword once again for combat. He glared his enemy down. He was brave, he was courageous, he was not going to back away from anyone. His faithful steed stood nearby, tossing it's fiery mane and stamping it's hoofs.

"I don't care how long it takes!" Prince Charming bellowed, "I will rend thine head from thine shoulders and use it as a football. What say you to that!"

"…_RIBBIT_" the frog grumbled. Okay, but it _was _a rather large frog. About the size of a large elephant, or maybe a small house. Indeed it's warts were so large that they were easily the size of Prince Charming's head. It looked down at Prince Charming lazily, opened it's mouth and let out a great belch in his face.

"My God! That's disgusting!" the Prince coughed, waving his hand in front of his nose. "You are the foulest creature I have ever had the displeasure of killing."

"Kiss me and I'll turn into a prince. _Ribbit_"the giant frog retorted.

"As much as that thought entertains me I shall deny myself the pleasure of a frog-snog" Prince Charming responded. The frog scowled at him and whipped his tongue lightning-fast through the air, Prince Charming deftly blocked it with his sword, and the tongue withdrew into the flabby folds of the frog's mouth.

"Ah ha!" cried Prince Charming, he lunged forward and sunk his sword into the frogs nose. The frog croaked with rage.

"Foolish frog! None can survive a match against the swordsman ship of Prince Charming! I shall smite thee here and now! Thou shalt hurt no one ever a-" THUNK! The object which struck him bounced off his head and landed in the ground beside him. Prince Charming staggered for a moment and looked down at both the egg-shaped objects that had seemingly fallen from the sky. Then he looked back up at the two large frogs. He staggered forward, sword raised, before finally collapsing face first into the mud.

"_Ribbit_" commented the frog. For a moment nothing happened, then in the blink of an eye, the frog's tongue washed over where the unconscious Prince lay. When it withdrew all that was left was the shiny sword. The frog let out a satisfied belch before slowly revolving on the spot and ambling away into the woods.

For a moment the horse stood stunned. It whinnied, and then the loyal steed turned and trotted away.

_In De Château del Hood…or rather the Hood Family Hall_

Jack Hood scrubbed the floor. It was very dirty, and he had to really work hard to remove each and every little stain from the shining marble patterns that adorned the entrance hall to his stepmother's manor. He couldn't fail to get it clean else he would be punished. Again. And as he was still working off that "incident" from last Christmas (accidental depluming of the Christmas pies), he didn't want any more work to do this year. Now, the sun was getting low in the sky and Jack was working by the faint light of the candle beside him.

"Knock, Knock!"

Jack groaned. He knew only too well what that sound meant. He got up and, jumping over the candlestick, he walked over to unlock the door.

"Get yourself over here and unlock this door NOW" boomed a deep voice. Jack slid the bolt slowly off the lock and swung the large wooden doors inwards. There, silhouetted in the doorway, were his stepsisters. They glared down at him with little piggy eyes, from behind little piggy noses.

"Wotcha." said Hilda, by way of a greeting.

"Good afternoon, Hilda, Zelda." said Jack in a monotone, "Did you enjoy your game."

Both sisters were dressed in stripped rugby shirts and dripping in mud. Zelda thrust a rugby ball into Jack's chest almost knocking him to the ground.

"Prepare our evening meals," she said roughly, "I want them to be ready for the game tonight."

Hilda grabbed the candlestick and brandished it in front of Jack's face so close that he began to sweat.

"If our meals are not ready to the highest possible standard then I will stick this candle stick so far up your rear –your hair will catch fire"

"Non! non! Veuillez ne pas me vers le derrière sur tu, sil vous plait!" the candlestick said.

They goose-stepped through the hall leaving muddy footprints and a trail of muddy patches as they went. Jack groaned. He picked up the mop and began to wipe the floor. Then he stopped, the floor could wait and he really didn't want to feel the peculiar sensations of having a candlestick shoved up his posterior. He went into the kitchen.

He knew his stepmum could be unpleasant at times – like the time she locked him under a cupboard as a child and refused to let him eat anything but rat's droppings for a month – but she was no where near as evil as his stepsisters. They would use any excuse they could to cause him physical and/or mental anguish. Like the time when Jack was a child and they could not find their favourite ball; the pain was still vivid in his mind. And their stepmum would let them get away with it too, she favoured her three children much more than Jack, for what was Jack but the baggage that came with her late husband's estate? Jack pondered upon this as he selected the book _"How to be a domestic goddess"_ from the shelf and flicked through it in search of his step-sisters' favourite recipe.

Jack's father had been a great and wealthy man who was wise and noble. The only mistake he had ever made (in Jack's eyes at least) was to marry local barmaid and call girl Edna Pilchards. Jack believed it to stem from sheer despair at the disappearance of his wife short days after she was born. Lord Hood has wasted away, leaving his estate to Edna and her three children (and Jack of course), and his life went downhill fast.

"Hurry up in there!" a deep booming voice called from the living room.

"In a minute!" Jack called back. He could not find the correct ingredients, and so thanked the lord that he had been sent shopping, and had remembered to buy some Marks and Spencer ready-meals. He removed the packaging and popped it in the microwave, turning back to his musings.

He couldn't stand any of them….well except maybe Edna's only son, his only and best friend, Prince Charming. He was revered all around as being as great a hero as Lord Hood, and taught Jack some of his famed sword techniques in his spare time.

Ping!

Jack removed the ready-meals from the microwave and placed them on plates, taking them into the sitting room were slouched into their armchairs like great pasty pastries. They grunted when Jack gave them their meals and stared blankly at the flickering images on the television set.

"Beer." said Zelda.

"Pardon?" said Jack.

"Beer." repeated Zelda, more insistently.

"You've forgotten the magic word." Jack replied. For a moment Zelda was quiet. Jack could almost hear the clogs turning in her tiny little brain between her cauliflower ears.

"Abracadabra" stated Zelda finally. Jack sighed. That would do. He walked out into the grand hall and back towards the kitchens. He picked up a six-pack of Guinness and began to make his way back to the living room. Suddenly a loud shriek pierced the still air, and looking up the grand staircase Jack was just in time to see a squat purple-haired blob come tumbling down the stairs, walking stick trailing behind.

"Jack! Jack!" said Edna Pilchards-Hood, clearly terrified, "I have had the most terrifying premonition! Jack looked at the cans of beer in his hands and then at the quivering woman lying on the floor.

"My poor boy! My dear sweet innocent child!" whimpered Edna.

"I'm right here." said Jack comfortingly taking her hand within his.

"Not you, you dunce!" she snapped, snatching her hand away from him, "My poor boy! Charming! Something terrible has happened to him." There was a moment's silence while Jack processed this.

"Where's the beer?" called a voice from the other room.

"In a minute!" he called back, "Listen…Edna…Eddy…You can't know for SURE something is wrong."

"Oh it is!" she wailed, "By the pricking of my thumbs I know something has happened to my poor little boy!"

"There are plenty of things that may have happened," Jack said reasonably, "I mean you can't know-"

Crash! The front doors opened and the white horse charged into the room, adding sets of hoof prints to the pair of large size 10 sneaker prints already dirtying the floor.

"SEE! SEE! I told you!" Edna shrieked, pointing at the horse, "I told you! I was right! I was right! Nah-nah-nah!"

"Where's the bloody beer?" shouted either Hilda or Zelda. The horse pranced and neighed, "And what's that bloody horse doing in here?" Jack felt a lump rise in his throat. What if something had happened to Prince Charming?

"You boy!" shouted Edna, "Your life means nothing to me! Go out into the deep dark ghost-infested swamp and find my Charming!"

"But! But!" stammered Jack.

"Do it! Or I shall ground you for a week!"

Jack grumbled. It was getting dark. Very few people actually came back from the swamps after dark, many said they got lost, or fell in the swamp and drowned. But then again, spending the rest of his life lost in a nasty smelly swamp WAS better than spending it with Edna and her daughters. At this, Jack brightened considerably.

"I'll do it!" he announced.

The misty and murky swamp was particularly misty and murky for this time of year, Jack noted as he weaved his way through the small passages of land that weaved through to the very far end of the swamp. He theorised that as that was the last place he would look, then Prince Charming was obviously going to be there, and he would save himself a lot of time. Once or twice he nearly slipped and fell into the deep depths of the mush. No doubt he would have found himself in a very sticky situation, not only as the mush itself was very gummy (it stuck to the soles of his shoes), but there was the chance we could lay there for days being pecked to death by crows or toads.

Once or twice he even thought about turning back, but then remembered that it was Tuesday night and Zelda usually made him massage her feet on Tuesdays. The very thought of those bunion-encrusted appendages was enough to make Jack plunge deeper through the fog.

The noises in the darkness all around him made his skin shudder. He remembered hearing a long time ago that in order to combat fear the best thing to do was to tell a good story. He stopped in a little clearing and began to recite a story to himself.

"It was a dark and stormy night," he began, "The wind howled and the lightning flashed as Jack made his way slowly up the dark hill towards the haunted house."

He paused for a moment to think: perhaps a ghost story wasn't the right kind of story to be telling to cheer himself up in the middle of a marsh.

"No don't stop _Ribbit" _croaked a voice from behind him, "I want to know what happens to Jack. Why was he going to the haunted house when he knew it was obviously haunted. I mean, the name says it all dunnit? "Haunted house"? It must have been filled with spooks and stuff. _Ribbit_"

"Actually it was the creepy caretaker" Jack warbled fretfully looking around to see where the voice was coming from, "Um…where are you?"

"Hiding. _Ribbit" _the voice replied.

"Why?" Jack asked.

"I'm afraid you might run if you see me. _Ribbit_"

"Why would I do that?" Jack wondered.

"The last one did. I popped up to say "Howdy" and he screams like a little girl and tries to hack my head off. _Ribbit _Doesn't matter much: I ate him."

Jack made a strange noise.

"Um…oh dear…" he said once regaining control of his vocal chords.

"I'll come out if you'd like?" the voice croaked. Jack thought for a moment. If this thing had already eaten another person then it could just as well eat him. Then there was the fact that it might no longer be hungry. The voice seemed friendly enough though, so Jack invited it to show itself. He soon regretted his decision, as a giant green blob crawled out of the water to one side of him, and Jack found himself looking into the face of a giant mouldy green frog.

"Howdy" It said.

"Um…Hi!" said Jack forcing a cheery tone into his voice, "How are you?"

The frog paused for a moment both replying, "Hungry." Jack went pale.

"Only joking!" the frog said, "Actually I'm quite full. Like I said, I've just eaten."

"Um…okay." Jack said, still nervously looking for an excuse to leave.

"The guy dropped his sword. See?" the frog said gesturing towards an previously unseen sword lying in the mud. Jack walked over to sword and picked it warily out of the mud. Naturally he recognised it's design.

"This is Prince Charming's." he said softly

"Yes, I think that was his name." the frog said.

"He was my best friend." Jack said.

"Oh…" the frog said soberly, "I am so sorry for your loss." It opened its mouth wide and gave out a great belch, "Truly it was…my bad."

"You ate my best friend!" Jack shouted, waving the sword in the frog's general direction. He paused for a moment to savour the melodrama, and then carried on waving it, "I shall kill you!"

"He also dropped that egg." the frog added, unfazed.

Jack bent down to pick it up. It was warm to the touch. He knew that as it was Charming's he was going to take extra care in making sure it made its way back to Edna Pilchards.

"That doesn't change the fact that I'm STILL GOING TO KILL YOU!" Jack brandished the sword. The frog yawned.

"Heard it all before." it said, "You know perhaps its time to eat you now." it advanced menacingly upon him. Jack stood his ground. He would fight to the death to avenge Prince Charming. The frog licked its lips with it's snakelike tongue, it drew closer. Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea after all. Jack tried to decided whether he should run. The frog advanced.

Luckily he was saved the decision thanks to the pair of flying monkey's, who chose that particular moment to make their presence know and swooped back into the story by grabbing the egg.

"NO!" Jack bellowed, "You're not having it!" he clutched on tightly, with the result that the winged monkeys just took him with it. They flew through the fog, away from the frog who shrugged his shoulders and returned to the water. Jack was carried a long way through the air, he shouted at the monkey's a lot to put him down, but they just ignored him. They did however take an interest when he raised his sword and began to hack their wings off. The monkey's shouted in anger, and began to fall downwards. As Jack cannot fly he fell with them, and instantly began to regret the idea. He saw the ground - it seemed to be racing to meet him - and the object in his arms, the egg, glowing like eggs definitely shouldn't. The ground beneath him was very close now, and he was aware of a flash of light, and then he landed. Hard, and head first. He blacked out.

_Meanwhile in the Fairy Godmother's room…_

"Grrrr! How could my pets let me down like that?" the usually silky subtle voice was tinged with impalpable anger, as she stared angrily into the Magic Mirror on the wall.

"Dunno." replied the Magic Mirror, as the dead bodies of the winged monkeys vanished into a misty haze.

"Show me the egg"

"Not tonight Winona," the Magic Mirror objected, "I'm all tired out now."

"You will show me what I tell you to show me!" the Fairy Godmother commanded, "Or it's a trip down to the woodcutters for you." The Magic Mirror sighed. The haze within swirled. Then it swirled some more, before flashing banded rainbow-coloured, then pink with yellow spots, blue with purple stars, and then created psychedelic patterns which it projected onto the Fairy Godmother's forehead. Then it stopped suddenly.

"Well?" she asked impatiently

"Hang on, hang on" The Magic Mirror said, and then made a faint noise that sounded distinctly like a dialing modem. When it stopped the Magic Mirror paused for a moment, wondering how best to break the news…

"No connection." it said.

The Fairy Godmother shrieked her displeasure ("I knew I should have gotten broadband!"), and then began to march around the room. The metaphorical wheels in her head turned, the clogs spun until she reached her conclusion.

"FLOTSAM! JETSAM!" she bellowed, "Get in here NOW!"

"Yes madam" two identical voices hissed. The doors crept slowly open, until the Fairy Godmother could see the pair silhouetted in corridor's light. No matter how many times she saw them, she was always struck by how much they made her skin crawl.

They were both moderately short, and hovered a few centimetres above the floor in their clown-like garb. They were completely bald, and had perfectly circular heads, coated in face paint. They had large circular eye holes, but their beady yellow eyes were buried so deep in their skulls that the Fairy Godmother often wondered if what she thought were their faces were in fact masks, to find something more terrible. Pound for pound, she wasn't afraid of clowns, but Flotsam and Jetsam were something else entirely. They slithered across the ground towards her, like a pair of snakes, before stopping and rearing up until they looked her straight in the eye.

"You summoned us." they said simultaneously.

"Um…" the Fairy Godmother said, slightly put out. She shook herself together, and putting on her commanding tone said, "I want you to go to Tulgey Wood Town and retrieve my egg."

"Yes." they said simply.

"Er…" To be honest the Fairy Godmother had been expecting a bit of an argument. She wanted the chance to throttle them, or at least shout at them for a bit. She hadn't expected them to agree without questioning, "Well…good! Go now. I want that egg a.s.a.p."

"Yes." For a moment nothing seemed to happen, but before her eyes the twin clowns began to melt into the floor, deflating before her eyes. After a moment they seemed to have been completely absorbed by the floor.

"We will retrieve it." they chanted. Manical laughter rang through the hall. The Fairy Godmother shuddered. Slowly it died away. The Magic Mirror raised an eyebrow,

"Interesting pair, don't you think?"

"Indeed… Magic Mirror…I need to get down to other business: Show me the girl."

_Sometime later, somewhere else_

Jack opened his eyes. He inferred that he was not dead from the fact that he could see the sky, and unless being dead had changed it's description since he last checked, he would not have been able to feel the root that dug into his back, nor would he have been able to smell the pigeon poop upon his shoulder. He stuck his middle finger up at the bird in the tree above, it threw Jack a scandalised look, before flying away. Jack realised that he should have been killed, after all his chances of survival were extremely low. And where was the egg? He had the sword still, and, and…there were people coming towards him. He stood up, kind of shakily - but it simply confirmed that he was in one piece. One practically shattered piece, but one piece all the same.

"Good lord!" one of the men cried.

"Are you okay?" a woman asked.

Jack nodded. He looked around him at the bright smiling people all offering meats and various fruits, they seemed concerned for his well-being (which was nice, considering they had watched him fall from the sky) - it was a new experience for him. Suffice to say he made some bland inane chit-chat with the locals, before eventually realising that the egg was still missing.

"Has anyone seen my egg?" he asked. Almost straight away he was beset with a mob of kind people offering him replacement eggs, or even whole chickens.

"No, this was a very special egg." Jack insisted, "It has sentimental value."

"Whaddidit look like?" a pasty faced man asked

"Well…" Jack thought, "It was kinda egg-shaped, quite warm to the touch. Oh and it was gold with purple spots!"

The villages murmured, "Like the one Taffy was showing everyone earlier?"

"Whose Taffy?" Jack asked. He was met with a flood of voices.

"Taffy's a Welshman!" someone with a thick northern accent said.

"Taffy's a thief!" declared the unsavoury character at the back.

"Taffy came to my house and stole a piece of meat" bellowed a man who waved his carving knife threateningly.

"Ah…" thought Jack, who being a rather bright boy at times realised that this Taffy must have stolen his egg. He voiced this opinion aloud. The villages nodded and agreed.

"He lives over there." they shouted in unison, pointing to the most run down house one could possibly imagine. Jack took his sword in hand, not knowing whether it would be necessary, but it seemed to please the villagers and made him feel powerful and march towards Taffy's house.

"It's ours. We want it." two voices in the darkness hissed at the small Welshman who cowered before two sets of beady yellowish eyes.

"Nu-uh. Not until I get paid in full." replied the man in an acute welsh accent, which I would put here but as I a.) don't know how and b.) don't want to, I won't. He was a measly little man - not that I'm making any kind of assumptions about Welshmen, just this one happened to be a bit of a loser. A lot of a loser actually, who wore cut fingerless gloves and scratched his fingers upon his chin thoughtfully, "Rare item like this…gonna cost you a lot."

"We don't pay. We take." the twin voices informed him in a matter of fact sort of way.

Suddenly the door swung open, and Jack burst into the room

"That's mine!" he announced, "Or to be more accurate my best-friend-who-got-eaten-by-a-frog's! But I want it back nonetheless."

"Dispose of him," the voices in the dark announced, "You will be rewarded handsomely."

"Yes sir!" said Taffy, thinking of the amount of gold he could make that day. Jack was slightly worried, after all Taffy was a fully grown Welshman, and Jack was not any of these things. However, Jack remembered he had a sword, which he waved at Taffy to stop him approaching. Taffy scowled for a moment, and for a moment Jack felt confident. The feeling faded as Taffy drew the red-hot poker from the fire place and pointed it at him.

"En guard!" Taffy declared. He then lunged forward, Jack parried the blow surprisingly well, and retaliated with a blow of his own. They continued in this way for a while, Jack began to get bored in fact, as he was simply repeating the same things over and over again. He yawned. Then he dropped the sword with a yelp, realising that as he had closed his eyes, Taffy had hit his hand with the poker and now it felt very wounded, and hot. He blew on it, as Taffy dropped the poker and jumped at Jack knocking him to the ground and grabbed him around the throat. He began to strangle him, banging Jack's head against the floor for emphasis.

"We must leave. We will return." Four yellow dots watched from the dark corner, and one by one began blinking out. Taffy turned around.

"What about my money?"

Jack used this distraction to aim a strong kick into Taffy's crotch, Taffy didn't seem to like it very much, as he shouted and jumped off Jack in pain. Suddenly Taffy stopped and looked up, Jack followed his gaze. The egg wobbled. Was it hatching? Taffy jumped towards it, but Jack had other ideas. He picked up the poker and threw it towards Taffy. He didn't _mean _to be aiming at his head, but that was were the poker landed. Taffy spasmed, and fell, blood seeping from the back of his skull. Jack looked around nervously. Good. Nobody had seen. He moved carefully over to the wounded criminal lying on the floor.

"Help me!" Taffy begged, bleeding over the floor.

"Um…" Jack thought quickly. If he went and got help he would have to explain how Taffy came to get a poker lodged in the back of his cranium. There was only one thing for it: he rolled the body over into the fire. Taffy shrieked, the flames crept up the fender. There, at least now Jack could say that he had been peacefully negotiating the return of the egg with Taffy, when - much to Jack's dismay - Taffy had fallen in the fireplace and suffered a horribly painful death. Jack himself was vindicated of all crime. And the egg? Jack turned to see it wobbling upon the table. The shell around the top began cracking and the egg wobbled again. Jack moved, thoroughly interested, closer to the egg upon the table. It wobbled again, and more of the shell cracked.

Finally the shell split open, and Jack looked down in amazement at the small pink lizard-like head, that looked up at him with an intelligent glint in it's eyes. It cocked it's head to one side. It stretched it's pink bat-like wings and opened its mouth.

"Flobbit?"

_The Palace of Dreams…_

The Fairy Godmother paced around her dark room – kept as dark as possible mainly to preserve the atmosphere, but also she felt that the emptiness feel it had helped her to plot as evilly as she possibly could.

The only light coming into the room was from the Magic Mirror, whom the Fairy Godmother had set the task of keeping track on Flotsam's and Jetsam's progress. She paced, caught between anxiety and anger.

"What's taking them so long!" she snapped at the Magic Mirror, "A simple Search and Rescue operation: you would have thought they got it by now!"

"Hmmm?" The Magic Mirror said, absentmindedly. The Fairy Godmother glared at it. The Magic Mirror stifled a huge yawn, and then tried to pretend that No, it had never been sleeping on the job.

"Oh…..um…well…" It started, stumbling over it's words. Then it let out a cheery grin and in a voice so ecstatic you might wanted to have hit it, "You've got mail."

Instantly the Fairy Godmother wheeled around. She marched swiftly towards the Magic Mirror and gestured for him to show the message. The gaunt specter inside the mirror faded to reveal the sun drenched topiary of a forest. Flotsam and Jetsam stared back at her.

"Well?" the Fairy Godmother snapped at them, which such ferocity in her voice that it would have made a grown lion run for cover. Flotsam and Jetsam however were not phased.

"We haven't got it yet." They said, simply. The Fairy Godmother blanched.

"But….but! You SAID you'd have her by sunset."

"Yes…but-"

"-We never said-"

"-the sunset of-"

"-which day." They replied. Winona growled. She was obviously very angry, and obviously very upset.

"Fine. Be gone. Go. Quick. Now" she said disconnectedly. The specter in the mirror reappeared and the forested faded to be replaced by the usual fog.

"Magic Mirror, take a letter." The Fairy Godmother said thoughtfully walking away, "Address it to 'All the Forces of Evil'…I think its about time we got the old gang together. She stopped in her tracks, turned around and raised an eyebrow, "Don't you?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Part, The Second**

_The Palace of Dreams, with Mother Goose_

"Oh my god! It's a tragedy!" the guard shouted as he burst into the room, scratching my bill I looked up to see what all the commotion was. The short tubby knight stopped in front of King Cole, bent double - panting.

"What?" King Cole asked leaning down until he was eyelevel with the knight, "Come on, get your breath back…Then you can tell us: Have they breached our defenses? Was anyone injured in the last attack?"

The room was silent, only the pained panting of the Knight remained. Besides myself – Mother Goose – and King Cole, there was Queen Mab, the Easter Bunny, a heavily bandaged Rudolph and a multitude of Elves still remaining in the throne room of the Palace of Dreams. Finally the knight regained his breath.

"Injured! In the last attack. He was sitting upon the wall, but the enemy surprised him– he's fallen!"

"Who?" asked King Cole, more insistently.

"Humpty Dumpty!"

"Oh dear," I said, "Perhaps you should send out your men to help him, your highness. I'm sure they can think of something."

"Yes, yes indeed." The King agreed. The short knight nodded quickly and ran off. We had been locked in the castle for quite some time now. We didn't know how much longer we could hold out. Humpty Dumpty was only the first casualty in this war, something told me he wouldn't be the last…

_Tulgey Wood, somewhere inside, on a pathway, being thoroughly hacked off – for reason we shall soon discover – we find Jack…_

After all Tulgey Wood was the only way he could get back to De Château del Hood without walking back through the swamp, and there was no way he wanted to run into the evil killer frog again. He had company this time: the small pink dragon which he had named Flobbit, in honour of it's first words (which turned out not to be anything meaningful, rather the way the creature spoke). Also joining him, at the villager's request, was a little girl desperate to reach her Grandmother's cottage. So far Jack hadn't succeeded in learning her name. When asked, she only ever referred to herself as . She carried a stereotypical 'pikernic' basket, but in it, rather than a luncheon of fine food and lashings of ginger beer, she had her laptop.

"0|\/|G r3 \/\/3 |'/k 743r3 '/37?" LitteRed asked.

"Flib-flibbity." Flobbit agreed, from his vantage point on Jack's shoulder, before falling into a coughing fit in Jack's face.

"For the last time NO!" said Jack, "You, if you're not careful I'm going to make you walk, and you," he pointed his sword threateningly at LitteRed, "I've told you a million times to stop speaking like that! It makes it hard to understand a word you are saying."

LitteRed looked up at him, and began to form real legible words. It looked like hard work.

"Why…is…it…taking so long?" she finished her sentence rapidly, tripping over her own words, before adding under her breath, "n00b."

"Perhaps because YOU KEEP BEING A PAIN IN THE ARSE!" Jack shouted at her. She looked crestfallen.

"Lol?" she asked, softly. Jack growled and started off with renewed vigor.

The deep, dark forest was deep and dark, in the way only deep and dark forests can be, with LittleRead moaning at his heals and Flobbit was not much help.

Jack had been thinking a lot about the mysterious dragon which had hatched, oh so mysteriously from the oh so mysterious egg. He wondered exactly what Prince Charming had been doing in the Swamp to find a gold-and-spotted-egg-which-hatched-into-a-small-enchanting-dragon when he was eaten by the giant frog. Flobbit seemed intelligent at any rate, and Jack thought that he had nothing left to loose by taking him to Edna. Maybe Edna would forgive Jack for not being able to save Prince Charming, and let him keep it. He had ran this idea past Flobbit, who had said "Flib-Flib" and nodded vigorously. So it was settled.

"I'm, like, so tired." LittleRed complained, "Can't we, like, stop to, like, have a rest."

Jack considered this. They had been walking a long time (about half an hour) and the girl did seem out of breath. Jack consented. LittleRed walked over to a toadstool and sat down upon it, she took out her laptop. Jack stood for a moment in silent thought, but the constant tap-tap of the keys forced an unnatural curiosity to know what the little girl was doing. He snuck around behind her to look at her screen.

"To: , ,

CC: .uk

43'/ p3opl3

1 W5 W0/\|)3R|/\G 1| /\3 1 45 533/\ 80 P33P |877\'/?

1 4\/3 3/\/\1|3|) 43r |075 8u7 543 |)035?|n7 r3p|'/

1 43rl 543 \/\/3/\7 1n70 743 F0r357 |00|1/\g 4 43r 2433p 8u7 /\3\/3r (/\/\3 8(| 0u7 g1/\

1 \/\/5 /u57 \/\/0/\|)3r1/\g 83(u53 1 /\/\ 1/\ 43r3 /\0\/\ \/\/174 \/\/3|| f17 ||)

8357 \/\/15835 & ( U 500/\

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|177|3r3|)"

Jack tried to work out what it meant for several moments. It wasn't written in any language he recognized. It wasn't written backwards, nor was it a mirror image. He even tried standing on his head but still it didn't make sense. He scratched his head puzzled, and then turned to see what Flobbit was doing.

He looked quite happy actually, as his leg was cocked and he was relieving himself in a little bush by the pathway like a dog.

It was such a strange little creature, thought Jack, it made no attempts to communicate other than the occasionally "Flob", "Flib", or even the odd "Flub". It seemed to have a perpetually satisfied look upon it's little lizard-like face, even more satisfied now.

But it stopped. It looked up sniffing the air. The dragon was still. Jack read it's body language immediately.

"LittleRed." He said, "Pack up: We're leaving. Be careful… There's something out there."

"Where?" asked LittleRed, completely unfazed.

"In there!" Jack said, gesturing towards the dark undergrowth.

"Oh I know that!" she said in a high sing-song voice, "There's always something SOMEWHERE in there. Why else do you think the villagers asked for an armed escort? Personally I think there is nothing to worry- AAAAAHHH!" LittleRed jumped about a foot in the air, which startled Jack more than the fact that a bush had shook violently on one side of the road. As Flobbit had ran onto Jack's shoulder, it obviously wasn't him. Something else was watching them. The bush shook.

"Okay. Who's there?" Jack demanded of the bush.

The bush shook.

"Show yourself" Jack said, holding his sword tightly.

The bush shook, although this time rather than the randomness previous, this shake clearly said "no". This gave Jack an idea.

"Once for 'yes', twice for 'no'" he suggested, "Do you agree."

The bush shook.

"So that's a yes"

The bush shook.

"Okay…" Jack said, "Are you hostile?"

The bush shook. Jack grasped the sword even more firmly – until the bus shook again. Jack, Flobbit, and LittleRed breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"I'm not going to hurt you. Would you please come out?" Jack asked cautiously.

The bush shook twice. Jack was slightly miffed at this.

"Why won't you come out?"

"Please rephrase the question" squeaked the bush, "into a 'Yes' or 'No' style phrasement" Jack looked at Floobit, who shrugged his shoulders. Then he hopped off Jack's and toddled over to the bush. Flobbit took one look at Jack, then one at the bush. Then he set the bush on fire. The bush squeaked, and three little creatures came running out of it, all dressed in Neptune blue robes, the hems of which were on fire.


End file.
